Sickening Horror Upon Reflection

Everyone has one... someone they look up to growing up, someone they really respect in their formative years. I had one just like that. He was just older than me by a couple of years. We were classmates. But he seemed like a really wise old man to my eyes. He was very talented. Perhaps it's why I kind of looked up to him. I respect and admire talented people.

I respected this guy so much that whenever I ran into difficulty or a dilemma, I would always think, what would he do in this situation? He was far more mature than I was, which I guess is only understandable since didn't really actually mature until I was around 30 years old.

I'm over 40 now and I look back a lot towards the old days, and once in a while I would think of this guy. And I remember the things he said, the things he did. And remembering his words and actions with my 40 year old mind I realize one thing.

He was a fucking sonofabitch.

He would constantly insult me, and point out my shortcomings. He couched it all in jokes and almost instantaneous "sorrys" that I just let it pass. I never really let any of his observations about my shortcomings penetrate and get to me. But upon reflection years later, I realize what a complete fool I've been. I see now that he really wanted to insult me each and every time, and followed it up with sorry hoping that I'd let him off the hook. He probably knew how well I regarded him and that I would allow him to do it. How little he must have thought of me to say all those things. How inferior he must thought I was, and probably still do. He must have been laughing at me all that time.

I've had occasion to work with him for a short time a few years ago. The job was pleasant enough but I feel I had been disadvantaged when some terms that have been agreed upon never happened. I was forgiving because this guy was my friend, but once again, I realize how badly I was treated. He never even lifted a finger to help me. Or even say sorry things didn't work out.

It's very disappointing. It's even more disappointing when your heroes die. I'm also kind of angry at myself for not seeing it soon enough.

Happiness at the Tin-tin 15 Screening

It was an awesome first screening of the short film I was in. It was great being with the cast again. I was so happy!





I'm gonna miss these guys!